Leaving my baby for the first time was terrifying

Leaving my baby for the first time was terrifying. My daughter spent most of her time in my arms, so it was so hard to imagine being away from her. It seemed really unnatural; as if someone was asking me to saw off a limb.

“It is important to leave them” I was told, and "you need time for yourself". While I agree it's important to have some time where you're not covered in baby sick, I really wasn’t desperate to ‘escape’ my baby, at all.

As a breastfeeding mum with a baby who wouldn’t accept a bottle until recently it was logistically quite tricky to leave her, especially in the evenings. The first time I left the house without her she was 6 months old and I went to get my hair done while her dad looked after her.

He's an amazing hands-on dad who knows what he's doing, but that didn’t stop me worrying. What if she missed me, or worse, what if she didn't? What if she forgot who I was?

Walking along the street without a pram to push or a baby to carry I felt quite lost. I had forgotten how to be just me and do things purely because I wanted to do them. I felt so guilty for leaving her, as if I was the worst, most selfish mother in the world! Of course, I knew I was being ridiculous - it's perfectly normal to leave your baby with someone else sometimes.

The first time my partner and I went out for dinner together we found ourselves talking about our daughter non-stop! We checked our phones constantly for updates from her grandma, ready to rush home at a moment's notice. We didn't really enjoy ourselves because we were too busy worrying about her.

Celebrating Mother's Day in our matching pyjamas.

Enjoying a champagne afternoon tea with my partner was a really lovely treat.

Having fun at home. Blythe loves wearing things on her head!

I love taking Blythe to art classes. She really enjoys getting messy and it's lovely to see her being creative.

We love doing things together as a family...

but it's also really lovely to spend time as a couple. Here we are enjoying my first night away from Blythe.

This was taken when I got back home. Blythe had a lovely time with her grandma but she was so pleased to see me. We had lots of cuddles.

I think it's really important to have a good balance of family time and time with your partner, or a little bit of 'me time'.

My daughter is now 15 months old and I have still only left her handful of times. I know that many women have to go back to work and I can only imagine how hard that must be, especially if you are not quite ready to leave your baby yet.

I am slowly learning to enjoy the time I spend away from Blythe. We have realised that it is not the end of the world if she wakes up a few times whilst we are gone and if her grandparents adapt her routine slightly. I do still feel guilty when I leave her but I know that when I am gone she is enjoying quality time with her grandparents or aunty.

It's really important to make time for yourself and your partner (if you have one). I believe it really can make you a better mother because when you return to your baby you will be excited about spending time with them again.

As much as I love my daughter, I know we can’t spend ever single second together and we both have to learn some independence. It is starting to feel a little bit more normal now although the best part of leaving her has to be the coming back! The squeals of “mummy" and the big cuddles and kisses make me want to leave more often, just so that I can come back again!

Mallory x

Find Mallory on Instagram @mallorybourn and follow her personal blog, bournsisters.com.